40k Joke

BOTCHED LEGION NAMES.

World Bearers-Led by the Primarch Atlas, who surveys the battles from waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay over there.

Word Eaters-Philosophers of Tzeentch that take the prospect of consuming knowledge WAAAY too literally.

Alphabet Legion-Attempt to confuse the enemy by all wearing different letters on their power armour.

Thousand Puns-Need I say any more? (Guess who's in that one?)

Death Gourd-They look kinda like gourds, right? Also wear pumpkin-shaped helmets.

Stone Warriors-Had to start somewhere, right?

Gnat Lords-Very, very annoying. And short.

Emperor's Child Bearers-Wait, what?

Back Legion-Always seem to be walking away from you...

Dark Angles-Never seen a triangle get so depressed before.

Blood Angles-Awwww, how acute!!!

Raver Guard-BUST OUT THE GLOWSTICKS!!!

White Scabs-Eeeeeeeewwww!

Spayed Wolves-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Imperial Fits-Who stole the Emperor's Sanguinius plushie? *Wufy.....*

Iron Handles-Those are some ripped love handles...

Newts-Used to be the Salamanders, but they'll get better.

Submarines-Naval unit belonging to the Ultramarines.

Clemson Fists-Only funny if you're from the Carolinas.

Sole Drinkers-Very lonely alcoholics.

Mesh Terrors-Very scary with nets.

Prone Wolves-They'll get there...evetually...

Aurora Borealis Marines-You'd be laughing at their armor if it weren't blinding you.

Bowling Griffons-Back in a couple of hours.

Crimson Knits-Quilting...yeah, that'll show those heretics.

First Chancers-Bad at gambling...

Armageddon Steal Legion-Last to fight, first to loot.

Attilan Rouge Riders-Nice lipstick...

The Blood Packet-Anemic anyone?

Canadian Shocked Troopers-How'd we end up here?

Catachan Jangle Fighters-Oh their spurs...they go....

Eye in Drop Troopers-That seems like a typo somehow...

Jantine Magicians-Now you see them, now...you still see them. (but you're dead)

Jopall Dentured Squadrons-Retirement? Bah!

Gaunt's Goats-Ironclad men with ironclad stomachs!

Van Halen Ice Warriors-*I'm not touching this one any further*

Vostroyan Firstbored-PRAISE THE EMPEROR!! DEATH TO HIS ENEMIES...tomorrow...
Cork Orky Hogzilla-Who let the Ogryns paint their battle standards? (for those who don't know, that's supposed to be the Krourk Ogryn Auxilia)

Dead Korpse of Krieg-And he still fights better than most of the IG...

Morrigan Iron Guard-By far, the happiest IG unit yet.

Phantom Air Corps-Eeew, who let one?

Savory Chem Dogs-BUY NOW!!!

Tallarn Dessert Raiders-HEY, GET BACK HERE!!!

BOTCHED BATTLECRIES

World Bearers: "DEATH TO THE FALSE EMP.....AAAAAAAH, MY BACK!!!"
"BREAK MY BAAAAAAAAAACK!!"

Word Eaters: *courtesy of Tomb Crawler* "Xenos freaks, I'll rip ya a new... Oh, did I cause offence? Terribly sorry, old chap."

Alphabet Legion: "Can you tell me how to get, how to get to the Imperium?"

Thousand Puns: All is rust!! Mall is must!! Ball is trussed!! Planet crust!! Wait, where exactly are we going with this?

Death Gourd: "THIS IS HALLOWEEN, THIS IS HALLOWEEN! HALLOWEEN! HALLOWEEN!" *chanting to the tune from Nightmare Before Christmas*

Stone Warriors: "Stone within, st.....dude....my hands are like.....totally huge....."

Gnat Lords: "Buzz! Maim! Kill! Buzz! Maim! Kill!"

Emperor's Child Bearers: "DEATH TO THE BASTARD THAT DID THIS TO ME!!!"

Back Legion: "WE ARE TURNED!!"

Dark Angles: "RECURVE! FOR THE HORIZON IS PI!"

Blood Angles: "BY THE BLOOD OF SINE-GUINIUS!!" *hides from Wufy*

Raver Guard: "VINUM AUT MORBUS!"

White Scabs: "FOR THE SKIN, OF THE EMPEROR!!"

Spayed Wolves: *high-pitched whimpering* (Tzeentch, save me from the wrath of Wufy...)

Imperial Fits: "Stupid Primarch! Stupid Progenitor! WHAT ABOUT MY GLORY AND THE GLORY OF ME WHERE I AM AT THE TIME? IT'S ALWAYS YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU!!!"

Iron Handles: "The flesh is weak, BUT LOOK AT THESE ABS!!!"

Newts: "Into the puddles of battle!! Unto....aaaah! Run away!! Run away!!"

Submarines: "STRIKE BENEATH THE BELT!!"
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Fear Factor: Catachan edition

Announcer: "Hello, and welcome to Fear Factor: Catachan edition. It's been a rough bout so far, but we have our final contestants. In order, from left to right, we have Abaddon, master of Chaos Undivided."

Abaddon: "CHAOS!!!"

Announcer: "Yes, Abaddon, we know. Moving on, we have Sanguinius, Leman Russ, Fulgrim..."

Fulgrim: "There aren't any snakes out here, are there?"

Announcer: "Not that I know of. Then again, that's the least of your worries. And our final contestant is Ahriman of the Thousand Sons. Now..."

Abaddon: "CHAOS!!!"

Announcer: "Can't you say anything else?"

Abaddon: "CHAOS!!!"

Announcer: "That's what I thought. Moving on to..."

Abaddon: "Hey, I can say whatever I want, I just answer every question with Chaos."

Sanguinius: "Hey Abaddon, what's the most pathetic force in the universe?"

Abaddon: "CHA...HEY!!!"

Sanginius snickers as the announcer continues.

Announcer: "On with the competition. Abaddon, please step forward."

Abaddon takes his place in front of the table they have set up.

Announcer: "Your task is to drink Catachan Barking Toad, after it has been placed inside this blender."

Leman Russ: "Are you sure you should be..."

The announcer grabs the toad, which detonates. Static coveres the screen, followed by the "Experiencing technical difficulties, please stand by." screen. After a few moments it comes back with a new announcer.

Announcer: "Well, that concludes this episode of Fear Factor. Please stay tuned for your favorite Tyranid soap opera, Days of Our Hives..."
==========================================================================
How Chaos can help(there is some sexual humor)

Announcer: Think that in today’s modern lifestyle you just don’t have time to convert to Chaos?

Man: Yes, I’ve got a meeting at nine, lunch at one and Inquisitor is coming over for dinner and I don’t know what to wear!

Announcer: Well let us show you how Chaos can help.

*Cut to man standing in long line at a restaurant*

Man: Oh no, at this rate I’ll never be able to get lunch, eat it and get back to work on time. I won’t be able to savour the flavours, savour the flavour!

Announcer: Well maybe the Chaos Gods can help you out. Oh Khorne, come here for a moment.

*Khorne Berzerker appears*

Berzerker: Burn! Main! KILL!!

*Slaughters everyone in the room*

Man: Hey, there’s no line now! Thanks Chaos Gods.

*Man gives a thumbs up. Cuts to Man in a cubicle trying to speak on a phone, type on a computer and write a report*

Announcer: You looked pretty busy there.

Man: That’s right, I’ve got six papers to write, two tables to fix and five clients to deal with.

Announcer: What you need is a bit of Chaos, Tzeentch do your thing.

*Man suddenly grows five ears, five mouths and eight more arms*

Man: Wow, thanks to these extra limbs and mouths I can do all my work at once. Tzeentch sure is swell!

*Man gives ten thumbs up. Scene cuts to Man doubled over, coughing.*

Announcer: Wow, that’s a bad cough you have there.

Man: Let me guess, Chaos can help me out with this too?

Announcer: Nope, Nurgle called in sick. Have funning coughing your lungs out.

*Scene cuts to Man in bed with his wife.*

Man: Come on honey, it’s been two weeks since we last did it.

Wife: No, I have a headache.

Man: If only the Chaos Gods could help me with this.

Announcer: Lucky for you, they can!

Man: What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?

Announcer: Let’s bring in…Slaanesh!

*Five Daemonettes and one Chose Terminator without his armour.*

Man: *Falling to his knees* Praise Slaanesh!

Wife: *Looking at termie* Praise Slaanesh!

Announcer: Let’s leave these eight alone. But first. *Turns on a video camera*

This infomercial has been brought to you by the Committee in Charge Of Informing the Public That Chaos is Awesome and the Emperor is Totally Gay, so if You Like the Emperor You are Totally Gay by Extension. (C.C.I.P.T.C.A.E.T.G.Y.L.E.Y.T.G.E.) We know it’s a long name, we’re working on it.
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Iron Chef: 40K Editions.
………………………………………………………

Welcome to Iron Chef 40K!!

Today we have two of the universes finest chefs competing against each other for the title of Iron Chef 40K!!

I’m your host for today Eldrad Utharan. We have seen some pretty strange ingredients in our time here on Iron Chef, but today our main ingredient that will be used in 3 separate dishes by our Chefs has to take the cake of cakes. But we will get to that in a moment. Let’s meet out warriors for today’s battle of the kitchen.

First up is the challenger hailing from the icy cold tundra of Fenris, It’s the newly returned Leman Russ! He has been missing for who knows how long, but after seeing our show from wherever he was; He knew he had to be here.

Welcome to the show Mr. Russ

Leman: Thanks Eldrad, it’s a pleasure to be here today.

Were glad to have you Russ.

Leman: I caught your talk show the other night Eldrad, love you band man, they ROCK!

Well, I did pick them myself, so ya…..they would.

Now lets meet the Iron Chef putting his title on the line today. It’s none other than the spunky little guardsmen from the Cadian Corner restaurant, Private Samuel L. Jackson.!

Sam: Who the **** you calling spunky you *********. You don’t think I’ll come over there and **** your ******* head with a ***** fork made out of ****? Huh? That’s what I thought. M************

Well you’re just as nice as we remember you.

Leman: How is he here?

Sam is in everything.

Sam: How the **** are you here *********k.? Hairy, Chewbacca looking mu*********. I bet they can smell you all the way in the warp.

Leman: *starts to get angry but then tries to meditate* Cha cha cha cha….cha cha cah cah…I am beyond the use of force. I am a tamed wolf, I am ….

Sam: You are a ******

Leman: Must not reach for axe………..

ENOUGH!! This is a show about cooking; if you guys wanna fight then wait till after we fin the show.

And let us film it…..

All right as I stated we have seen some crazy main ingredients on this show. Ranging from the foul smelling but tasty squigs, to that thing that we found growing under the seats here. Which if you remember was also the episode that saw Typhus elevated to demon hood for his flaming pile of flies 4 layer cake. His dish was so good; people actually were trampling over each other to get away from its powerful taste. That’s good cooking there folks.

But today we have a truly special gift for our battling chefs. I give you today’s main ingredient.

FREASH LIVE CARNIFEX!!!

*two cages are raised into the center of the stage, struggling in rage within each is a towering carnifex*

Leman: O……k

Sam: *******************************************!*************

I thought that you guys would like it! Without further ado, you may both began, remember you need to make at least THREE different dishes! Lets see what you got!


Leman: Right I’m on it! *takes a deep drink of a mug that mysteriously appears next to him*

Sam: *********************** (drinks some water) **********************K!

Now for those of you who have noticed the change in Mr. Russ here. He told us here that he would try his best to refrain from any killing as he has taken a vow of pacifism during his long time away. Why? We dont know, but it did help us pick out an interesting ingrediant for today.

We will see how long this peaceful way last…..

*Leman starts to walk up to the first cage and tries to soothe the carnifex inside with song and dance*

*Sam walks up to the 2cd cage and then makes a phone call*


Leman: Please!! Just let me have an arm or some plates….. I promise I wont hurt you to much. It will be painless… Look at me do I look like a man that would want to hurt you?

*Carnifex in front of Leman stops and stares at him for a bit* *then it tries to reach out and stab him*

Leman: Dam! Hey I am trying to be nice here, no come on just give me something here and I don’t have to kill you, better yet, kill yourself and make it better for both of us.

*Carnifex hisses and keeps trying to kill Russ*


Sam: Well, well, well……….you big nasty cockroach. You think I am afraid to go in and cut you huh? You think I won’t just come in there and get what I need?

Well you **** right *********. That’s why I got my guard friends to help me out here.

*Carnifex looks to its left as two hellhounds and some guardsmen walk on to the floor*

Sam: Roast this *************!

*Hellhounds open fire along with melta guns from the men around them,. The all watch as the Carnifex is burned alive in the cage.*



Well folks as you can see it looks like getting this ingredient will take some skill and in the case of Sam there, a lot of “firepower” too.

We will be right back after these simple mesg from our sponsors.


*commercial plays showing two marines running in a field together and smiling*
Space Marines, yes, they are THAT much better than guard, and they know it.
*another commercial play showing a Dark Eldar Archon passed out on the floor wearing nothing but a cowboy hat and holding a paintbrush*
Combat drugs…..they are JUST for COMBAT! If you or someone you know has a problem,….well it’s the 41st millennium so no one cares. Deal with it!




ALRIGHT!! Welcome back to Iron Chef 40K!

Were almost out of time due to out ever decreasing budget here so were going to speed things up a bit.

Well take a look at the dishes the Chefs have made so far and declare the winner from that.

Leman, what do you have?

Leman: I have yet to convince this creature to allow me to use it’s body in a peaceful way to make a delicious meal.

Ya, you keep with that Leman. Lets take a look at how Mr. Jackson is doing.

Sam: well as you can see Eldrad I have made 452 dishes of well done barbeque and it is all served on chitin plates. For that “extra” touch. Mu*******

Well this is a clear win here. The winner and still holding the title of IRON CHEF, is Samuel L. Jackson from the Cadian Corner! Congrats to you!

Leman: But its all one dish!

Sam: To your what? Zero dishes? …………..******** and ***** or **** you.

Leman: why do you always curse so much? Why do you treat me so? Why not act with the honor of a marine.

Sam: ***************************** you ****** and your********* marines! If I wanted to look like a dog and smell like the dumspter I would have asked for it.

Leman: THAT’S IT!, SCREW THIS!!!

*Leman picks up axe and throws it at Sam L. Jackson, killing him*

Leman: And you too!

*Russ turns around and strangles carnifex in cage*

Well it seems some people are sore losers huh? But that’s just how humans are, fools and idiots.

Leman: What? *throws another axe at Eldrad*

*Eldrad ducks and axe kills woman behind him*

Man in the audience: My Wife!

I saw that coming a mile away.

Man: then why didn’t you help my wife!

Hey, this power is for the greater good only buddy!

Tau in the next seat: YES, Tau Power!

Hey, not YOUR greater good grayface!

That’s all from this edition of Iron Chef 40K, stay tuned as something is possible to come on after this garbage….